(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily