When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
*bites zombie*
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Just a reminder, folks:
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.