The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Great game to play with friends
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.