My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
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Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*