[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
This hospital has everything
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.