Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
broke down and did it
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”