producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens