Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close