If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
You deplete me
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?