So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
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when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*