when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“Theirye’re” problem solved
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT