Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they