Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Living the best life.. 😊
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.