[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
You Might Also Like
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.