– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..