I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
#MeanwhileinCanada
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.