Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
me when I see my crush
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.