Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
are they though??
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job