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Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
😂😂
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you