What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
pelicons
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.