Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
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Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”