“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.