Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.