ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Wake me when AI does housework
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.