If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
You Might Also Like
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
i think both sides are to blame here
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
This was a bad idea all around
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”