genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology