At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat