I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
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All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
moms in horror movies
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood