I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night