A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I don’t get marriage
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.