I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
who wore it better?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.