I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes