Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
i’m having this made into a welcome mat