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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
🤣dope
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel