Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
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Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Perfect
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet