When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
79.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…