We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Expect the unexporcupine.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Any refunds available?…
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Message from the dog groomers
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.