I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee