“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
looks legit
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what