Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
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I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
bias laundering edition
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s