An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”