Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
The sacred texts.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
🤣
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
inside you are two wolves
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
*checks Timeline*…
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.