IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
They grow up so quick
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.