Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
S M O L
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”