15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista