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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too