90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
What a chick magnet..
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?