“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
This kid is a star!
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.