This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.