Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?